I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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