i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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