Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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