She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
