The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
bring money and cleavage
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
