The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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