Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
