probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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