So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
