Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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