Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
