Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
where are my eyebrows?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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