Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just want to make out with him forever
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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