So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
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I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
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totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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