I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
