consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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