lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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