I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
