it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just gift wrapped bread.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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