The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
