You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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