I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
