New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Let's paint friendship bongs
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
