Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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