I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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