I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
