Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
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If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
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Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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