Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
