We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
