I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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