Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
