i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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