Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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