Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I think people are normalizing furries
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
