Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
