you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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