i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
