I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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