Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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