I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
