I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
