He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
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Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
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I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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