True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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