So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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