ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
