Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
