My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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