i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
