Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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