3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
