She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
