I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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