he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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