my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
