I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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