Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
